I know when I open the door to my apartment, there will be no one waiting for me. It has been like this for about 5 years. What kept me going these few years was that one day I would get married to my boyfriend and we would be together forever. It didn’t happen because he found someone else. I moved to a new country, started a new life over 9 months ago. Now I’m in Japan and about to open the door to my new apartment. I know there’s nothing but silence and darkness in there and the feeling is crippling. I don’t want to eat alone nor do I want to go to bed with only my thoughts to accompany me and start the whole day all over again.
Wait ~ let me rephrase this.
I know when I open the door to my apartment, I will be entering the little world I have created for myself in the past 9 months. My exercise equipment, my well-stocked kitchen (which could feed me for about 3 months straight-up), and my drawing desk where all the clouds, skies and galaxies I’ve been drawing will be waiting for me. I take my time making dinner for myself, watch Netflix or read a nice book with a hot cup of green tea before I go to bed. I might have a nightmare or two about the ol’ ex but hey ~ I’m done with judging myself for things I can’t control. I don’t wallow in them when I wake up becaue I’m too busy taking care of myself.
Japanese people lead isolated lives, especially the older generation. All the restauants here are equipped with tables for solo customers. Here, I feel completely alone but ironically, it is also here that I am learning to love myself and my company. I tried to find the word for the opposite of loneliness, but we don’t have that in English or in Burmese language. I think it doesn’t exist because it cannot be easily defined. I think it is different for each of us. It is for me the feeling of being aware, being connected and being at peace with who you are. It’s the feeling of waking up in the morning with a purpose. It is a feeling of dressing up for yourself. It is a feeling of taking care of yourself in the best way possible. The feeling of being happy without involving anyone else but you.
This is how I have learned to reframe my loneliness in the last couple of months. I’m not always successful but I’m continuing to work on it. It’s a life-long process and it’s wonderful. Don’t give up on yourself. x